Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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