If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
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