If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
