we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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