I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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