did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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