ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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