i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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