wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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