Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
