He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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