'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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