I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize