Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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