i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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