dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
