people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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