She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Randomize
