Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
