Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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