Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
