I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
