I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
