there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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