wakey wakey hands off snakey
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize