she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
