if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
