Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
