I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
