i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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