Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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