I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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