This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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