need another drink. this is the easiest way
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
