This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
