How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
