i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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