I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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