So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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