dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize