I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
