You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
