Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
