So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
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