did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
two words: eviction party
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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