Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
