Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize