Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
