your parents love me but you hate me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
last night I used snow as a chaser
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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