Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
