Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
