So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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