We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
