it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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