i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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