Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
