Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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