whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
there is glitter all over my balls
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
