Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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