if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
