So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
