Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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