a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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