I wish I could teleport
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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