My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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