I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
