He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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