i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
