Your mouth is God's brothel.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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