So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
