we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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